Thursday, November 20, 2008

Dangling Weiners & Ketchup

(This post is partly true and partly satirical. The actual event DID occur and the thoughts did cross my mind but as you have all experienced, sometimes the world isn't quite as you see it.)

Today at work they had a special luncheon. They had discounted the regular price of a certain lunch special of a tiny bag of chips, soda and a hot dog. There was an even discount on the second dog.

I don't eat much. I'm a small framed guy but I like deals. I bought the second dog. I figured I might as well get my money's worth.

Have you all ever seen those hot dogs that are too small for the bun? Or the wieners that just hang off the edge of the bread? I don't like that. The hot dog itself just tastes like crap anyway I mean its not even really meat right? So I don't want to taste it. I just eat it as filling food. The bread helps to dilute the nastiness of the blended horse hoof I'm scarfing.

I eat my dogs plain. Just ketchup. No mayo, no mustard, none of those little green poison cubes or tomatoes or anything. Simple.

Rarely do I sit in the lunch room. I'm not social and people don't really like me because of what I sometimes have to do. I sit at the only solitary, round table in the entire room. The sunlight actually breaks through while I am eating and shines a spotlight down on my lonely self.

I don't care. People suck anyway and I'm more concerned with accomplishing this challenge. Eat and keep this "food" down.

Unwrapping my aluminum foiled animal tofu, I prepare to take my first bite. Half way up I realize, "Hmmm, perhaps I shouldn't deep throat this thing."

Yeah. I'm pretty sure about my masculinity but something just feels inherently wrong about inserting a sausage into my mouth in any remotely perpendicular fashion. So what am I to do? I bare my teeth and very obviously bite the thing off sideways. Garrr like a caveman ripping at some raw mammoth meat...wait. I'm not helping my case am I? As a shallow man I have no choice.

Why must they continue to make phallic foods?

Even God seems to like to get in on the "gag." Pun intended.

Well, have a great day and a safe drive home if you're not there already. (Sorry about the formatting, I'll fix it tomorrow, I gotta go home!)


Docteur Glamour said...

LOL I always feel awkward when I eat anything that resembles that part of the male anatomy. I avoid popsicles.

Vivienne said...

I have to agree with the falic shaped things, they're everywhere! There's a building here in London that they call "the gherkin" - let me tell you it has NOTHING similar with a gherkin in my opinion. I mean come on, who on earth designs something like that (a woman maybe?) plants it in the middle of the city as offices and calls it "gherkin". I'm sure the building has another name that I don't know...anyway, here's some pictures....have a great weekend!

Douglas said...

The Subway (a poor excuse for deli sandwich shop) has been running ads for a "foot long" for $5. The ads are clever and full of double entendre. The expressions on the young ladies say it all, I suppose.

What is there to say? Sex sells.

The Gherkin building was called "the egg shaped building in London" at a few sites. Yeah, right. Are there really batteries that large?

HektikLyfe said...

>Docteur: Even though it hurts my teeth after a while and could possible cause brain freeze. I bite. The masculine ego is delicate.

>Vivienne: The Gherkin kind of looks like the old rockets they used to have at parks before kids started being born retarded and getting hurt.


As for designers, I would argue that gay males are more likely to be obsessed with penises than straight females. So the designer may very well be a man, so to speak.

>Douglas: I have seen those videos. I like one of two of those sandwiches. The obvious Hawaiian dancer and the wink. They are getting pretty desperate. I guess they wanted to go the opposite extreme of the anti-sexual Jared campaign.

Strange about their choice though. I would imagine mostly men would be consuming an entire foot long sandwich but they market it like a penis. I don't know. What audience are they trying to attract?

I figure a winking girl saying something like "Do YOU have a footlong?" would be a little less subtle, but more effective in their message. FCC wouldn't have it I guess.

Here's a funny one. Have you noticed the yogurt licking girls for Yoplait? They show them all licking the caps and one jogging girl even sitting there all awkward with her legs open then they cut to a grandma and just when she's going to lick her tasty yogurt cap they cut away.

Marketing must not believe GILF's could sell yogurt.

Iris said...

I remember hearing a story about guys who would jokingly moan when another guy was biting into a banana. It pissed off the banana eating guy LOL!