Tuesday, August 26, 2008

How To: Cheat on your Significant Other

After thousands of years of the evolution of civilization, you would think that a simple thing like fidelity would be easy to manage. After all, we tamed wild dogs didn't we? We've been to space, we can even communicate with people around the world almost instantaneously!

Why do we still cheat?

You will forgive me if I get a little sexist. Not to put either gender down but just from personal experience, the following opinions have been formed.

Men get bored. Some more quickly than others. They get tired of looking at the same thing, talking to the same person and dealing with the same problems.

Women get angry. Some more viciously than others. They get frustrated with their husband/boyfriend's inability to change or downward spiral of negative changes.

Neither willing to budge, they couple goes their separate ways but down deep, their love still holds a bond. That or they are stuck with kids and a mortgage. So what can a couple do?

CHEAT. Let me tell you exactly how. It requires effort, devotion and a lot of trust.

Step 1
Men - Clean up. Dress nice like you used to in order to get the attention of the girls. Wash the car and make sure you smell really good.
Women - Makeover! Don't dress to what you think guys like. Dress however YOU feel better. It is of EXTREME importance that you feel beautiful. Dress for YOURSELF!

Step 2
Men - Think about what excites you now. What were those first dates like that you remember the best? Play out a perfect cheat scenario in your head. Yes, even if it involves Pizza delivery. Everything is fair game.
Women - Ditto.

Step 3
Both - Tell your significant other your "Step 2."

That's right. Role play.

People make fun of it and it would feel silly at first but it is the next best thing and pretty damn safe in comparison. Guys, you won't end up by the side of a desert road looking for the rest of your severed penis. Girls, you won't have to worry about those pictures surfacing on the internet or passing the syphilis you caught from Captain Mandingo to your child while breastfeeding.

I'm sorry if this wasn't the solution you were looking forward to, but in this age of divorce and palimony, I think it couldn't hurt to try an alternative solution.


Afraid you'll get caught by friends? Go out of town or do it in the comfort of your own home.

Men - Afraid she won't be game? You'd be surprised what your significant other would be up for if she knows what she is getting in return. Bring it up. Too risque? Compromise and use some tact. In other words, don't ask her if you can call her by her cousins name.

Women - Still not feeling pretty? Hire a talented photographer to make you look good to help your self esteem. Or get a good camera and have fun with your significant other.

My point is, there are MANY alternatives to actual cheating that bring just as much excitement. Do some research, talk things out and try alternatives before you throw everything away for a one night stand.


Iris said...

I was totally expecting a blog on how to cheat. What a twist. ^__^ Good tips too. Hope they help one or two readers.

HektikLyfe said...

Yeah, hopefully two.

As long as its in pairs na'mean?

HektikLyfe said...

This blog here inspired a little heated back and forth between a fellow blogger and myself in the Google Help forums.

I will post it later.

They based their opinion of my blog simply by the title of this particular post. :)

Oh the fun I had!

Anonymous said...

oh man. i came here with a totally different mind set. but you brought me down to earff. i gotta get my ass on check!.

Sarah Jane said...

What a terrific idea! I am impressed this came from a man, ha! You get an A+ for the day!

Iris said...

I thought at least ONE person would not get it based on the title :) I almost didn't

Anonymous said...

so dumb!

HektikLyfe said...

>Sarah: Hey! I don't know if I should be flattered or insulted! ;)

>Anonymous#2: Dumb? I guess I should expect that sort of thought provoking brain fart from a Mac user. XD

Seriously, what inspires people to post such irreverent comments? "I have something to say, but it will consist of nothing at all and I won't even disclose who I am because I just need to say something but I can't put words together, ... good."

Sarah Jane said...

...well it's just that I have heard this type of thing from Dr. Laura, a woman. She hasn't used the same words, like "cheat" or 'role play" but she does suggest getting really pretty, wearing lingerie, getting your make up and hair done, going on a date, do what you USED TO DO to get turned on or go somewhere you used to go when you first started dating your husband.

Iris said...

That's so pretty. I do remember Dr. Laura saying that. ^__^

Gilbert Van Norman said...

My wife actually did cheat on me. I wish at times that I would have seen your blog sooner. Might have saved alot of heartache.

HektikLyfe said...

Sorry to hear that. It hurt like hell to be cheated on as a teenager I can only imagine the pain and disappointment you'd feel as an adult.

Perhaps your current or future love interest will find your new devotion and dedication endearing.

West Coast Wanderlust said...

I have been cheated on, and I have been the other woman. I swore I never would be because getting cheated on sucks! However, the guy with whom I was the other woman was very upfront that he had a girlfriend but we totally hit it off so I could not resist. For me, it was a vacation fling. Now, I left the vacay spot, and he still contacts me. To me, the guy just looks like an idiot, and I wish I had his girl's phone number so that she could see the dog she's in love with. To me, it's no big thing but to her I know she'd be crushed! I'm just glad I don't know the girl because then I'd actually feel bad that her boy is wild about me! Men can be real dogs. At least I got something out of it. =)

HektikLyfe said...

>Wanderlust: Its a free country. But I would like to know, why would you have sex with an idiot? I could see this guy seeing things the same way you do. "I have my wife and got to do this girl on the side."

I'm not disagreeing with you that he's an idiot. I have no respect for people who cheat, but I don't exactly see you as a "winner" in this situation where everyone loses by any means.

What did you get out of it? What did he get out of it?

Looking at it strictly from your point of view I would see his wife, the one with the home and possibly her bills getting paid for, as getting "more out of it."