Friday, January 16, 2009

Mrs. Fatty

Consider yourself warned. This blog was written for the shallow man in your life to read in a way he could understand. Perhaps later I will write the female version, as best I can. But for now... Let the gloves come off.

My family is fat. It runs in my blood to be fat. Those of you that know me personally possibly couldn't even picture me fat. BUT...those of you who have seen my baby pictures and seen and/or met my family could possibly see it. This isn't like a "some of my best friends are fat" message though it may sound like it.

Its more like a, "I DO have to work to stay thin." I'm not really one of those eat whatever I want type people. I DO eat whatever I want, I just don't eat HOW MUCH I want. For more on that subject, read any one of my MANY weight related posts starting with my personal favorite, "Tough Love for the Happy Heifers."

This particular post could be viewed as a guide to help shallow men find happiness. After all, doesn't everyone deserve to find it?

I would love to hear the opinions of everyone else. If you feel like sharing yours, click here to read more.

If appearance is one of your major concerns when searching for a female life partner, be aware and wary of the following tactics used by the shallow females you will inevitably encounter on your quest.

Hiding the Mother

Yes, though proud and full of great stories about the fantastic mother they have, you may not meet her until you are already too deep into the relationship to turn around. Be sure you meet the family early. Don't be afraid. Just because she brings you home to mother doesn't necessarily mean she plans to start shitting out kids with you overnight. You have nothing to fear. (Unless she's a minor you dirty bastard.)

Take a good look at the mother, and father for that matter. It is highly likely you will be getting a combination of both. Are they overweight? Do they argue? Does she cook? Does the father look worn and desperate for some sort of escape? Does the mother insult the father openly even with guests present? Get ready for that.

Is the mother ugly? Be honest with yourself here. Don't expect a "pretty" old version of your wife. Seriously take a good look at her and ask yourself if she will be too distractingly ugly to deal with. In other words, will her ugliness make your angry arguments worse simply because she's ugly. Be honest with yourself, you know you are nicer to a person if they are better looking. The opposite goes for the inverse.

Don't expect beauty, just look for acceptable. Remember that you are young and the whole MILF thing is an old wive's tale. Take a good look at that lady. She's not a catch. Don't expect to find astounding beauty in an old woman. Look for kindness and a loving relationship. That is what will count later on, believe me.

Rushing to Marry

Females do not age gracefully. It is a known fact that they acknowledge. If they are accepting of premarital sex and even call you back after the act, expect pressure about "the next level" within the next few months. If they are in a rush, take a good look at the parents. She may be aware of what she is well on her way to becoming and be trying to trap herself a man.

It is HARD to stay fit. HARD! Some women, as history has shown, give up soon after the wedding ring is placed on the hand. It is a victory. You can't really blame them for it. They feel they have finally found "true love." You are contracted to stick with them through THICK and thin. Mostly thick. If you can't deal with that, then move on.

Pregnancy Changes

Some women try really hard to stay fit. The biggest, greatest challenge though is child birth. It is rare that the female form returns to its enticing shape after a child has ravaged and even restructured their freakin' BONES! (MAGIC WORD WAWAWAWAWA~!) Take a good look at their female siblings, cousins and again, mother to see what the results of child birth can be. If you can't deal with it...move on.

Accepting of You

Lets be honest. You are a jerk. You probably don't take care of yourself as well as you should. You probably already even farted around her and blamed the dog. The woman you find will have to accept you for who you are in the future. She will pretend to be OK with it now but she won't later. You are leading yourself into a life of nagging unless you work hard, even AFTER you marry her.

Yes, this means that not only will you have to accept her changes, but you have to work hard to change too. Just to keep it peaceful and happy. Unless of course you want to pay alimony for the rest of your life and watch some other younger, cleaner, nicer guy doing your ex-wife in front of your kids.

For the rest of your life. Accept the reality that men were designed to work until they die. Its only fair that you both die happy. Working is easier for men anyway. Ever take a good look at the female "business suit" / torture mechanism? Heels, all day????


Valash said...

This is too funny, and so true!


Anonymous said...


Andrea.Sombody said...

Whoo Hoo!!

You are funny!

Now i'm just going to forward this to my boyfriend...

hehe c:

Iris said...

Once again, you've made me laugh.

You got some pretty good feedback from women. I thought for sure you were going to get your ass kicked.

Captcha: scicapp

I see a pp

Nana Net said...

Oh my, guess I came back at the right time! LOL ya know my dear friend that beauty comes from within. And with that said you truly are a beautiful person...
Now this post had me cracking up. As for being fat and all the only thing i can say is that there is just more to love.
Take care and know that this here lady is getting stronger everyday! So watch out....

Nana Net

Marcy said...


Very true words...and this does go both ways. Women need to look at the future father-in-law and ask the same types of questions.

Does he fart in public?
Is he bald?
Beer gut?
Does he sit for hours on end scratching his crotch?
Is his mother crazy? Really really mentally crazy?

I could go on...
but I won't.

Sarah Jane said...

Oh, the heels. How I TRIED and tried to get around wearing them at the office jobs I've had.
This is all very good advice for single men. I never thought of looking at the parents from early on--that is genius.
My teenaged brother lives with us. My husband tries to give lil bro advice but at his age, it doesn't make any sense. Hubby never had a father to tell him ANYTHING so he feels he is giving lil bro something precious by telling him about women and their "daddy issues".
I don't disagree with anything you've stated here. I can't wait to read the other version.

Sarah Jane said...

Oh yeah, my hubby and I are a prime example of the typical couple you have built-up between the lines. He's a pig and I'm a once-hot ruin of a woman.

Anonymous said...

Since your wife is a tranny, whom did you look at to forecast the future?

Douglas said...

I have the need to comment. As I sometimes, when she's in an exceptionally good mood, tell my wife, "You are twice the woman I married." If she is in a very good mood, the response will be "Not quite but in a few pounds." If she I misjudged her mood, the response will be unprintable without parental warnings and will, ironically, silent.

I saw both her mother and father well before we married but well after we were deeply involved. You are right, you should meet the parents as soon as it is possible to do without tipping your hand as to why.

I still would have ended up married to her, though. Because she is still beautiful in my eyes.

Iris said...

I take back my original comment. I guess you did hurt someone with this blog. Sad to see them back twice. Tsk tsk they must really relate to this blog. And to use an anonymous profile, no longer makes me wonder how close to the ugly description you wrote, they are. Wonder if they will be ignorant enough to continue using the same come back or if they will express more of their offense with new material? In either case, the motive for their response is obvious to all.

HektikLyfe said...

>Valash: Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it. This blog was written for the shallow men out there but I tried to make it entertaining for everyone.

>Rebecca: Thank you. :)

>Andrea: Awww! Tell him to imagine this directed at Michael from The Office, if he knows the show.

>Iris: Thank you! Same here. I think I made it clear though that this blog was specifically directed at those shallow men that only care about looks in women. I was glad/lucky almost everybody caught on.

>Nana: HEY!!!! Great to see you back up and about! Oh as for the beauty, I know this very well indeed. My whole thing about the weight issue is that you bee happy. If you love yourself the way you are, then others around you will love you too. If you are bitter and angry about it then it makes everyone uncomfortable. Honestly I couldn't care what shape a person is as long as they are nice to me. I am really glad to see you are back around!

>Marcy: You are absolutely right everything DOES go both ways. (That's what she said - The Office.) Due to popular demand I WILL be writing the side of this story. If I can channel the shallow man, I can channel the money hungry woman.

>Sarah: I never got the whole heels thing. Do you remember the Arsenio Hall show? He used to always talk about how he loved his women nekkid wearing heels. I was always more a sneakers kind of guy. Might as well have your woman comfortable no? Talking to someone else's kids is REALLY TOUGH. I try to have "talks" with my brother-in-law and I feel my stomach in my throat the whole time. Not only am I a shy person (in person) about certain topics but to talk about (things) with another male is weird for me.

Oh and I disagree about you being the prime example. My hypothetical people were shallow and only find beauty in appearances.

>Anonymous: Weak, try again.

>Douglas: I always say my wife is twice the person I am, but not in the same sense. "...she is still beautiful in my eyes." THIS IS KEY! This is what makes us better humans and what I really wish more people would experience. Unfortunately a large majority of the world is shallow.

Its fun to make fun of them.

>Iris: Yep. I guess I hit a nerve. It wouldn't be the first time.

Sarah Jane said...

Anonymous also uses incorrect grammar.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

GREAT BLOG. made me laugh. in fact, i wrote a whole big reply but completely drifted off the main subject so deleted it and writing a different one now.
tell you the story of one of my ex work colleagues. beautiful wife, impeccable at all times.
she fell pregnant and still looked impeccable. when the baby was born i got her some daim chocolates as she loves them. gave them to her husband. he gave them right back and said - oh nono, she must get back in shape now. she can't keep walking around looking like that - my jaw dropped open.
another really good comment from teh same guy was: we're not going to have more than 2 children. a woman's body never fully recovers after a 2nd child birth.
so I say lovely Dan (I know he doesn't blog) - you're LUCKY to have a wife as beautiful and patient as she is. I hope your son doesn't turn out like you! MEEEOW.

Anonymous said...

can't wait to read teh female version although got a little preview on the "heffer" post. couldn't agree more. people that say - oh you're so lucky you're thin - whilst stuffing cake into their mouths are hypocrites.

jewlover2 said...


Anonymous said...

see, that's pretty much our plan, move in as a next step. Teh reason I'm hesitant is because I don't know her - and now you said about being territorial - that is scaring me! I love MY kitchen and love MY cleaning...
Maybe ground rules 6 months first and then see how it goes...

Anonymous said...

thought so, hence why it was in espaniol :)

well I dropped it on the floor...I had it on my lap typing, made a wrong movement and it fell and now the hard disk thingimagig is kaputt.