Mrs. Fatty

Consider yourself warned. This blog was written for the shallow man in your life to read in a way he could understand. Perhaps later I will write the female version, as best I can. But for now... Let the gloves come off.

My family is fat. It runs in my blood to be fat. Those of you that know me personally possibly couldn't even picture me fat. BUT...those of you who have seen my baby pictures and seen and/or met my family could possibly see it. This isn't like a "some of my best friends are fat" message though it may sound like it.

Its more like a, "I DO have to work to stay thin." I'm not really one of those eat whatever I want type people. I DO eat whatever I want, I just don't eat HOW MUCH I want. For more on that subject, read any one of my MANY weight related posts starting with my personal favorite, "Tough Love for the Happy Heifers."

This particular post could be viewed as a guide to help shallow men find happiness. After all, doesn't everyone deserve to find it?

I would love to hear the opinions of everyone else. If you feel like sharing yours, click here to read more.

If appearance is one of your major concerns when searching for a female life partner, be aware and wary of the following tactics used by the shallow females you will inevitably encounter on your quest.

Hiding the Mother

Yes, though proud and full of great stories about the fantastic mother they have, you may not meet her until you are already too deep into the relationship to turn around. Be sure you meet the family early. Don't be afraid. Just because she brings you home to mother doesn't necessarily mean she plans to start shitting out kids with you overnight. You have nothing to fear. (Unless she's a minor you dirty bastard.)

Take a good look at the mother, and father for that matter. It is highly likely you will be getting a combination of both. Are they overweight? Do they argue? Does she cook? Does the father look worn and desperate for some sort of escape? Does the mother insult the father openly even with guests present? Get ready for that.

Is the mother ugly? Be honest with yourself here. Don't expect a "pretty" old version of your wife. Seriously take a good look at her and ask yourself if she will be too distractingly ugly to deal with. In other words, will her ugliness make your angry arguments worse simply because she's ugly. Be honest with yourself, you know you are nicer to a person if they are better looking. The opposite goes for the inverse.

Don't expect beauty, just look for acceptable. Remember that you are young and the whole MILF thing is an old wive's tale. Take a good look at that lady. She's not a catch. Don't expect to find astounding beauty in an old woman. Look for kindness and a loving relationship. That is what will count later on, believe me.

Rushing to Marry

Females do not age gracefully. It is a known fact that they acknowledge. If they are accepting of premarital sex and even call you back after the act, expect pressure about "the next level" within the next few months. If they are in a rush, take a good look at the parents. She may be aware of what she is well on her way to becoming and be trying to trap herself a man.

It is HARD to stay fit. HARD! Some women, as history has shown, give up soon after the wedding ring is placed on the hand. It is a victory. You can't really blame them for it. They feel they have finally found "true love." You are contracted to stick with them through THICK and thin. Mostly thick. If you can't deal with that, then move on.

Pregnancy Changes

Some women try really hard to stay fit. The biggest, greatest challenge though is child birth. It is rare that the female form returns to its enticing shape after a child has ravaged and even restructured their freakin' BONES! (MAGIC WORD WAWAWAWAWA~!) Take a good look at their female siblings, cousins and again, mother to see what the results of child birth can be. If you can't deal with it...move on.

Accepting of You

Lets be honest. You are a jerk. You probably don't take care of yourself as well as you should. You probably already even farted around her and blamed the dog. The woman you find will have to accept you for who you are in the future. She will pretend to be OK with it now but she won't later. You are leading yourself into a life of nagging unless you work hard, even AFTER you marry her.

Yes, this means that not only will you have to accept her changes, but you have to work hard to change too. Just to keep it peaceful and happy. Unless of course you want to pay alimony for the rest of your life and watch some other younger, cleaner, nicer guy doing your ex-wife in front of your kids.

For the rest of your life. Accept the reality that men were designed to work until they die. Its only fair that you both die happy. Working is easier for men anyway. Ever take a good look at the female "business suit" / torture mechanism? Heels, all day????