Thursday, March 5, 2009

Just A Few Girls

Ever since I can remember, I always wanted to be a Goodfeather...

Like your typical teenager, I had a terrible self esteem. There is so much to say about that but I don't really want to make this blog THAT personal or mushy.

I never really searched for old acquaintances from my old schools. In fact, not intentionally, I made it difficult for any of them to find me if they were so inclined to search. I never really thought anybody would.

Finally, I created an account somewhere with my real name. I NEVER do that. In my career field though it became very difficult to explain to potential employers why nothing could be found about me on the internet. What I do basically requires that you have some kind of traceable evidence.

Anyway, within a matter of days I started receiving friend requests. I kept thinking, "They must be confusing me with someone else." I would even ask them why they were adding me. It turns out many people knew me. I would never call myself popular, in fact I still don't think I was. Apparently though I was relatively well known. Liked? Perhaps not but known.

I didn't even have a lot of girlfriends or even dates. To this day, INCLUDING my wife I've had a total of 4 girlfriends. I never actively searched for relationships. They just kind of fell into my lap, so to speak. I was happy that way. I wasn't a go-getter. The whole idea repulsed me.

I didn't want to play that game. "Hey there, nice weather." "Can I buy you a drink?" MEH! Because of who I am, if I met a woman at a bar to begin with, I would be having doubts about her before she even spoke. I never had any respect for "the hunt."

I was happy even though I knew that the chance that I would find a significant other were slim. There was nothing I could do about that. After all, if she couldn't accept me the way I was then I wouldn't want to be with a person like that anyway. She wouldn't be right for me.

I went off on an odd tangent there but I need you to get an idea of how I felt about myself and who I was in regards to relationships and popularity.

Looking back upon my teenage years I see a dorky tactless loser. After having many conversations with old acquaintances they brought to light many things I had forgotten.

In my life I dated one of the most popular girls in school, a cheerleader, a drill team captain and I topped it off by marrying a freakin' Prom Queen!

I had never seen things this way until recently but it just sounds so odd when I say it like that. I don't feel "good" about myself for my "successes" but for a person with a low self esteem (still) it makes me feel...OK.

It is quite the mindfork to see yourself through others' eyes.


Iris said...

Wow! When you look at it that way...

It's amazing how people will describe you in a way that you never saw yourself; good and bad.

Sarah Jane said...

Wow, you hardly dated anyone but yet still got the most popular/successful ones of the population!

Better Safe Than Sorry said...

i actually consider my husband to be my first and only real bf, those guys i dated in high school, they were just me being superficial and having some fun, nothing serious at all. but that's what high school is all about, isn't it? lesson learned.