Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Urinal Regulations

There should be a commonly understood set of rules, nay, COMMANDMENTS that all men should abide by. I was under the impression that they were understood but unspoken since the topic itself is taboo and even mentioning it could cause some guys to cringe.

As outspoken as I have apparently become I guess it’s time for me to dab a bit in the dark side of…


I. Thou shalt keep discourse to a minimum. (You would hate to have a joke interfere or persuade an unexpected bowel movement.)

II. There shall be no speaking whatsoever at the urinal. (There is nothing quite as disconcerting as speaking with another man with your package in your palm.)

III. NEVER look another man in the face while you are in the restroom. A casual nod or simple “Hello” as you enter or leave the restroom will suffice.

IV. If there are other stalls, use them. Do not run to reserve a recently used porcelain. Then the previous resident walks away with some guilt for the next occupant basking in his ambiance.

V. There shall be no contact whatsoever, ESPECIALLY not skin to skin.

VI. If you MUST speak, do it at the sink and don’t make eye contact. Courtesy is not required. No feminine “Thank you very much” or “That’s very kind of you” statements are acceptable.

VII. No one shall acknowledge any flatulence while in the restroom. Neither the whiffers nor the wafters.

VIII. DO NOT under any circumstances choose a urinal next to another man if there is one with at least one free urinal between you. Try for two if there is no divider. There is no pleasantry that could possibly follow a tinkle sprinkle.

IX. NO CELL PHONES ALOWED! This is like church. An active cell phone conversation must be concluded BEFORE the caller enters the restroom. This benefits every party involved. The remote caller isn’t offended, the local caller doesn’t have to try to convince the other party that it “wasn’t them” and the restroom crew isn’t forced to clinch any biological process to avoid inevitable satellite broadcasting.

X. …and the most important commandment of all. WASH YOUR DAMN HANDS YOU DIRTY BASTARDS! The quantity of completely dry sinks with soap filled dispensers I run into is an absolute shame. I open the door with paper when I leave because I know 90% of men don’t wash. From San Bernardino to Beverly Hills, it’s all the same.

Please feel free to forward this message to all the men you know. I’d appreciate credit or a link back to my page but I know that’s a lot to ask…I’d rather have the message get out there.

It’s important.


Anonymous said...

this just made me laugh so hard I nearly chocked on my breakfast! :)

very true, I think you should print those out and put them at work and in public toilets!

Anonymous said...

who knew there were so many rules to using the men's room??? think i'll stick with the ladies.

ryan said...

your article reminded me of this old flash game...

HektikLyfe said...

>Vivienne: Sorry about that. :)

>Rebecca: There aren't but there should be. Girls restrooms also have rules but y'all tend to abide by them. Guys tend to be more unruly.

>Ryan: That was a very funny game.

Sad thing is that from those remaining 10% about half don't even use soap to wash their hands, they just run their hands through the water to go through the motions.