Randy Cougar

This is the other story I mentioned in the previous blog post.

This is a 100% true story though when I retell it, it always sounds like a stupid teenage fantasy. It's not, I promise.

First a background on this lady, lets call her "Tramp" from this point on shall we? So Tramp had been at the company where I worked for years before I even arrived. One of my responsibilities at this company was setting up and managing the NAS which is too put it really simply, a computer on the network where everyone can store and share files.

Our company had frequent social events and would often hire a photographer to record those events. So when I was transferring all those files I came across a public folder of previous events that I started sifting through.

It was a relatively small company, only around 400 to 500 employees. I was also responsible for creating and maintaining all the network user accounts. Which means I knew almost everyone by name. Especially those that were local.

There was one particular female I was warned about by my coworkers. She had previously had a hand in firing some guys from maintenance. Apparently, I was told, she had a habit of flirting and when people would flirt back, she would file a complaint. She was an HR nightmare. I can only assume she was looking for the opportunity to sue. Well in a particular file folder I found images of everyone but more noticeably, was a particular image of her years ago. With wedding ring, sans implants.

Three HUGE warning signs right there.

Somewhat familiar with HR traditions and protocols I immediately set myself on alert and prepped for her special case. Whenever I would help her or walk by I would be only cordial and very distant.

I was very obvious about not being there for fun. It got to the point where she even said, with all her girly talky-talk buddies listening, "You never talk, why are you always so quiet?" To which I responded, "It's in my job description to be antisocial." My statement was meant partly as a joke but mostly true. I CAN'T be friends with anyone doing what I do. Sometimes I am forced to lay the law down and people may take it personally if they see me as a friend or acquaintance making my job more difficult. Especially if they start asking for "favors."

She unfortunately found my statement witty and laughed which was not the reaction I was looking for. *Danger. I figured she thought I was "playing" her game.

Time and time again she would call for assistance for the most redundant things. Issues that I was completely aware that she could resolve on her own. When we hired more employee's in our group I would send them to go help her instead.

Alas the day came when I had no alternative but to go work on her machine. I scheduled it during her lunch so she wouldn't have to be there but just as I suspected she came right on back while I was there.

Now I need to paint a picture so you can see exactly why I suspect this was intentional. Her cubicle was an "L" shaped desk with the computer right in the corner. Plenty of room on the left and on the right.

I "scooched" up close to the desk so she could have access to either side when she returned for "something she forgot." She could walk behind me to get anything on the right and the left side was accessible from the aisle.

This all happened in a matter of seconds.

For some unknown reason she felt the need to reach across in front of me, from my left, to my right. Completely awkward and uncomfortable. I have a look of annoyance not only because she's blocking my view of the computer screen but because I am doing work that should be done by the employees I was covering for when BLUB! I get hit in the face with a clothed saline sack.

I kick the wheeled chair back and immediately look down at the floor and lift up my fingers and hands up thinking, "OK, what the *fff am I supposed to say right now." I was more scared than anything. Of course she did the whole "hand over the mouth OMG I'm so sorry *tee hee" thing but I was thinking, "Say ONE wrong thing and your job is gone."

She said some other stuff unrelated but I don't remember the rest. Probably something like "Contact me when you are finished working on the machine."

I was at first afraid to tell my supervisor, also a recently divorced female who also happened to be feminist. Fortunately she and I were on relatively good terms, until much later but that's another story, which is boring and I won't tell here. I did tell her at one point. I softened up the story a bit, so to speak, so I wouldn't have to be as graphic in her presence. I told her I didn't want to file a complaint and gave her my reasons for not wanting to assist that particular person any longer and if we could still notify HR in some way.

Well, I didn't get her fired directly but I did start an investigation which eventually led to her lay off. She was a liability and they let her go in the most pleasant way possible.

Be careful out there!