My life is good. I have a home and a family. Sometimes though I can't help but get sucked into those really sad moments.
When I was a teenager I went through what I believe was a pretty bad depression. I will refrain from calling it a clinical depression since it was never diagnosed as such. Then again, I would doubt that any therapist or psychiatrist would turn down the opportunity to push some drugs on the slightest sign of what they would see as an emotional abnormality. "Oh you're feeling sad? Chaching! Take 2 of these for the rest of your life and call me when you've become addicted and need a higher dosage."
This blog post isn't about facade of a professional called psychiatry, its about the stupidity of sadness and my confusion with it. :) Come take a stroll with me through some of the darker corners of my mind.
I have many reasons to be of good spirits. The past few months I have had a lot of reasons to be very happy. Part of me is usually.
The wife and I were happily watching a movie last night. It was a comedy but it was foreign. Sometimes foreign movies do weird and unexpected things with the plot, which is why we watch them. The movie quickly took a turn for the worse and covered the subject of death from a very, very sad perspective.
I've never dealt well with death. I remember down to the most minute details the moment I realized as a child that my parents would some day die. I felt like the rug of life had just been pulled out from under me. I really don't believe I've even been the same person since then.
While watching the movie I found myself laughing out loud which is something I rarely every do. I guess it just caught me off guard. After the movie I got to thinking about death, sadness, solitude, regret, remorse and all those ugly things that create a dark cloud around you.
If I believed in aura's, I think I would have been shrouded in black. I was completely aware of it. I loathed it and was a little repulsed at myself for feeling that way. Sometimes though it just overwhelms you like a tidal wave you can't control. You see it coming but the wave just pulls you in until you can't fight it anymore and you just let it run its course.
In that moment of darkness I chose to find solitude. Why bring others down with me? Why burden others with my self-pity? It was these others though that helped me stay afloat and get through it as quickly as I did. I kept thinking of them. I kept thinking of my family waiting for me to return from my odyssey into the dark abyss.
They kept me afloat.
Much like a lifeline that my ongoing metaphor is missing. I find that when you anchor your thoughts on those people that don't deserve the misery you could attack them with, you can always find your way back to your home shore.
To all my sad friends; when you feel that all is lost, look to your loved ones as your beacon.